can you imagine, there are parts of ourselves we haven’t even discovered yet
you really, really don’t understand self-torture…
until you watch sortedfood videos at 1am in the morning, when you are hungry and have nothing to eat.
just got back from training. today’s lesson? it doesn’t get any easier, you just have to get better. and i don’t know how long it’s going to take, but i will…
i’m thinking about the way i’m spending this summer and it’s slightly disgusting how we’re already more than a week into it and i’m not doing anything productive, not even being alone. but now that i’m alone - in an MBS room, with a great view, no less - i’m thinking also about why i haven’t been alone. and i realize its because i would rather be with these people than with myself. that’s a very funny thought because i don’t feel this way very often. but now, i think, a part of me misses this, doing things at my own time and just…. having only myself to talk to. it’s probably healthy to withdraw for a while.
i’m around people so much, i don’t even know who i’m doing things for any more. and not just concrete things but tweaking certain aspects of my personality to be part of something. i’m afraid of compromising on certain things that i have always had a tight grip on. that’s pretty damn stifling. but it is also impossible to remain static as a person… i have always believed this. we are different people around different people. i don’t know, it’s unsettling but i’m also conscious about how i’m always making a big deal out of something and that’s sometimes quite selfish because i’m always thinking about myself. ok. before this narcissistic rant gets ridiculous, time to get ready for breakfast.
for now, i need to: READ, WRITE and prepare the kids church lesson on sunday. the idea of doing these things at my own time was just… better and more attractive when i actually had no time to do them. i should actually get down to doing things..
now that summer’s here i think a part of me never wanted it to come. at the start of this semester i thought college couldn’t get any better than sem 1. i turned out to be so wrong. got close to a different group of people, drifted away from some. i’m okay with that now.
i’m thoroughly enjoying school. i know one day i’m going to look back and call these the best days of my life. trying to live in the moment now, if i keep thinking of what’s to come i miss out on what’s right in front of me. everyone should have a university education like that - one where you don’t just learn from books, you learn from people, from experiences. i am no longer obsessed with my own grades even though i still have high expectations of myself - its just so much easier and i have been doing better this way. now i’m no longer a freshman. that’s a really crazy thought.
today’s bible class was on peace: while the world looks to controlling the external for peace, we look to Christ, prince of peace, for peace within. and that’s the only kind of peace that lasts and is real. thought about how far i’ve come, but not on my own. i’m so blessed. so thankful.
if anything, i have learnt that 1) people are not what they let on and 2) that people are beautiful only from a distance. it is distance that lets us - makes us - fill in the gaps. when there’s nothing left to hide, i’m not sure if there’s anything there at all…
i will always choose detachment. why i let something that is probably nothing become everything i feel is beyond me.
find what you love
and let it kill you
instead of studying, i am:
checking flight ticket prices, looking at hotels around the world, researching on sweden/switz for exchange… this feeling is amazing, the fact that there is SO much of the world out there for me to see. but it is also claustrophobic because i know i just can’t see all of it at once. patience…
so thankful knowing that there are opportunities offered to me on a platter and i can make full use of them. its liberating. until i remind myself of the fact that my exams are in 3 days…
i remember this trip to the highlands. not a single day goes by without me thinking about the past and how different i am now. these hands, these legs, have grown. i write steady and walk steady now. i grew up knowing too much, but i know better now. i still get lost in a book. i still dream about the time i dangled my legs out of the balcony’s lower windows. ‘home’ became a distant concept; but one that i have now constructed on my own.
when i was 9 i built a blanket fort in my brother’s room. we had a secret code language: one knock on the wall to check if the other was still awake, two to mean it was safe to go over. that language is dead. i do not hear you knock any more. the blankets have folded themselves into a ghostly silence. there are days when, even your face strikes me as unfamiliar.
fear is what brings me back to being that annoying kid. the same things get my heart racing: a phone call, a knock on the door, every ‘i need to tell you something’.
a whisper to my younger self, be brave but be kind and go get ‘em.
haven’t had the time to ‘just think about things’ for a while now. i feel like i’m changing; but this is not a change i see a need to resist. my preferred company is - and probably always will be - my own, but these days i’m getting comfortable with being around people… the same people. it usually isn’t until i am alone that i realise i’m actually pretty worn out. but it’s been good. my exams are in 6 days and frankly i don’t seem to be very bothered. sleep seems to be my coping mechanism, i have been sleeping a ridiculous amount.
its 2:27am and i’m really hungry.
To do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.”