going to be honest with this one
he said: “let’s hope that 2012 can be better for ourselves, I’m kind of hoping to really embrace all the broken halves of my selves, to love the very best and the very worst, to pull myself together and get up from my down days”
this has been going on for too long, i tell myself its time for change but this feeling always comes back. not even sure if i should call it a feeling, it feels like a life status
sometimes i feel very much invisible. of course my friends see that i’m there, we can laugh and talk but ultimately you don’t know me. i feel as if my idea of friendship is different from everyone else’s. i am looking for an emotional connection, the ability to carry on lengthy conversations about the things that matter. but with certain people i feel very much unnoticed, i wish they could read the thoughts in my head then they’d know. is it the divergence of reality and expectations that causes this disappointment? i don’t know. but the last few days of december reminded me of who to keep in my life, who to let go of
i have come to realise that the people you have known the longest are not necessarily your truest friends. are they supposed to be? i often feel like a complete stranger to everyone because i am so difficult to get to know. does that explain the distance. the frustration when i realise that people don’t know what i’m thinking. or feeling. or why i’m so sad/introverted. i don’t choose to be this way. it hurts sometimes you know, when certain groups of people you thought were your friends don’t see you as a part of them, or when you realise that you would do so much for them, but they won’t do the same for you. simple things, like replying texts, talking to me, taking the initiative. its tiring, to constantly tread water, keep afloat the disappointment. so i’m choosing to let go, drown, lie still at the bottom of the seas. does that sound like a pity party? because it sounds like a rescue plan to me. detachment and apathy to save myself from constant letdown. if i start from zero i won’t need to fall.
also i realise i have different groups of friends - but in these big groups there are only a few who know me intimately. that’s why i feel like i’m cheating someone’s feelings, i’m not usually that happy or energetic as when i’m in a group. but if i can be that person then who am i. who am i.
so i’ve decided to let go of certain people. of course i feel selfish, because afterall they may not know that they are hurting me. unintentional - but i am looking for something more in the friendships i forge. am i wrong? i guess even if i am, i’m going to be selfish for once. wrap my heart in titanium and stay sane. its going to be harder than i think because people do come back once in a while, but we’ll see. perhaps i am overthinking this. but social interaction really does tire me out these days.
i wanted to reactivate my facebook. and i did for about 5 minutes to get photos but i couldn’t stay because i just felt so exposed. i rather not, i rather not. if you’re interested in knowing about my life then just get to know me in real life. that’s how people figure out who’s worth their time anyway, right?
last night we cycled 8 hours, ~50km. for every slope we cycled up (trust me it is extremely painful especially when your thighs are burning) there is always the ride down, that’s the fun part. we cycled from 11pm to about 7am, i was aching like i never ached before. but i slept once i reached home for about 8 hours straight. feels good.
goals: read more books, keep close to God, spend quality time with people who are worth it, be patient, be honest with people who are close to me. in december i wrote a letter to my dad but threw it away. in december someone wrote me a letter but he threw it away.
what i’m going to do this year (feels weird saying “this year”) is wake up every day and be a better person. why do we wait for a new year to be new people, to make new promises? life begins every day. focus on yourself, if it hurts you, give it up. let go, keep faith, stay true.
+tagged as: personal.
