Well this is a long post

WHEN YOU ARE BROKEN YOU ARE THE CLOSEST TO GOD

I guess, part of growing up is getting your shit together. Funny how things have changed and I’m always trapped in the landslide when everything shifts. I’m just trying to hold myself together amidst all this bullshit I’ve been thrown.

Counting my blessings. It’s difficult because i’m so bitter, but I try. I have seen children who come from single parent families. I want to reach out and say that I know how it feels even though I highly suspect they aren’t even aware of their inner angst/sadness. I’m thankful that I didn’t go the wrong way. It was hard because I had to struggle with all that chaos (literal and figuratively speaking - in my head) and study in an environment that was barely conducive. I’m thankful that I have some shot at a future.

Reminder to self that everything happens for a reason. There is always a silver lining, that i believe. Good things can be found if you let down your guard and open your mind, sometimes you find more than you look for.

Growing up is growing apart from other people and growing closer to those who are worth your time and energy. These are the people whom I can sit down with and talk about bigger things. Tuesday was dinner with jc friends and yesterday was dinner with Sarah. Today, dinner with Sara. Friday to Monday: chalet with netball/track! Excited.

Thankful for amazing friends. Dinner on Tuesday, Mikhail and Joseph went to “pay the bill” and when they came back they brought a cake :’) you all are amazing. The waiter was the accomplice!! Great night.

Glad also that I’m out of this whole [connection] with you. I thought I could give away all of myself forever but that was naive, and mostly self-defeating. Someone told me once that he couldn’t handle my sadness, and I hated it because it wasn’t controllable and I was helpless, but seems true. It’s tiring even for me. Maybe that’s why I’ve never been in a relationship (haha) - I’m too much to handle, what I mean is: too much of a mess

I have learnt so much. My mum says, she is happy I have grown. 2012 can bring it. When you are armoured with a healthy mind and keeping your faith no gun can bring you down. It gets hard sometimes and I’ll sink into depression sometimes but I’ll be ok. Think rational thoughts.

I’m not dismissing anyone’s reasons for their sadness, but truthfully, with all due respect: build a bridge and get over it. Then you realize part of it is self-induced. I have been there, circumstances are shit but you’ll get through it. We are stronger than we know.